Some of the things I would endure for a Klondike Bar

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , on June 11, 2012 by mmheidelberger

Things that I would be willing to do to acquire a klondike bar…

1. Siphon out a port-o-let with a 5/8″ rubber tube with my mouth in mid August
2. Drop acid with Charles Manson
3. Lock myself in a trunk with five rabid felines
4. Overthrow a third world government
5. Cannonball into a swamp full of hospital waste and garbage water
6. Eat tapioca pudding off the floor of a C train subway car
7. Confine myself to a 8×8 prison cell with Pat Robertson
8. Watch all of Elvis Presley’s movies
9. Apply sea lampreys to each of my nipples
10. Run streaking through a zombie hoard


Portrait of a Fat Fuck

Posted in Commentary, Kvetching with tags , , , on December 14, 2011 by mmheidelberger

A fat fuck, not to be confused with a large or overweight individual (a community I, myself am a part of), is an archetype defined by a combination of physical and behavioral characteristics. The quintessential fat fuck tends to have a disproportionate weight to height ratio while sporting a blustery, hollow, ego that is fed by insecurity. Typical behavior traits include an overbearing and boisterous attitude, crassness, shameless laziness, condescension, and a surprising sense of narcissism. Fat fucks can be encountered just about everywhere in the USA.

A fat fuck’s overbearing nature tends to get them quickly promoted to middle management, but their general lack of motivation tends to ensure they stay confined there. As a result, most people have found (or will find) themselves working under an embittered and miserable fat fuck at one point in there lives. As stated above, they tend of be shamelessly lazy and specialize in making their subordinates feel particularly small.
If a fat fuck is not your superior and only a co-worker, then you tend to have to listen to them drone on and on about themselves. If you ever attempt to discuss anything that’s not about them or at least affects the fat fuck, they will usually change the subject or even find a reason to quickly leave the room.

You frequently encounter fat fucks in a public setting as well. Much of my public encounters with them are in shopping environments. They will usually enter and find the closest, most convenient counter to slump over and sweat on. They will then proceed to order half of the store clerks to do their shopping for them; as a result, there’s nobody around that is able to assist you or any other customer.
Living in New York City, I ride the subway everyday; being a large man myself, I tend to board a crowded train by going to an end corner of the car, as to not accidentally plow under a poor fellow staphanger if the train makes any unexpected jerks. Fat fucks however, are the ones that will attempt to squeeze into a really small space on the bench in hopes that the person sitting next to them will get uncomfortable enough and just get up; the really audacious ones will claim disability and ask (or demand) that you give up your seat. If acquiring a seat is impossible, as they will just stand in the doorway and not move when the train comes into the station.

I am fortunate enough to not be related to a fat fuck, but I have seen the cruelty and narcissism in which they can treat members of their family or friends. I’ve seen them shun an overweight daughter, make their eighty year old mother clean their house and bring them food on demand and claim every malady in the book to justify doing so.

I will say in closing, reiterating that I am a large man myself, that a fat fuck is not synonymous with an overweight or fat person, but a person with very specific character traits.

Feline Dinner Fail…

Posted in Gross, My Cats, Sonya with tags , , , on October 19, 2010 by mmheidelberger

I was working on photos for a blog post when I hear the unmistakable sound that could only be a cat regurgitating (results pictured at the bottom).  I’ve had two cats for years, so this is a sound in which I’m quite familiar.  If you’ve ever witnessed this, think you will agree, gross or not, its a damn bizarre sight as your cat turns into an accordion, spewing out a tune that does not, in any way, make me reminiscent of Oktober Fest.
I’m starting to think one of my cats has developed a convoluted eating disorder.  In some ways it resembles bulimia with the ritual binging and purging, but there’s more to it I’m afraid.  She also takes her food, flings it from her dish to the floor, pounces on it, then, if the individual kibble make the grade, she eats it.  What you see orbiting the dish are the rejects that didn’t meet her approval.

Nomination For Worst Death EVER…

Posted in Happiness of the Katakuris, Japanese Cinema, Takash Miike with tags , , , , on September 16, 2010 by mmheidelberger

Film: Happiness of the Katakuris

Director: Takashi Miike

Release Year: 2001

If you are even a modest fan of contemporary Japanese cinema, then you’ve probably come upon Takahashi Miike’s work a time or two.  Miike has a reputation of being somewhat of a marathon-man-director for his ability to crank out one film after another; his film Audition is probably the most popular film here in The States.  The scene featured today is from his 2001 Black Comedy/Musical, The Happiness of the Katakurris.  All in all, I really like this film; the lighthearted, awkwardness in which the obvious dark nature of the storyline was executed worked surprisingly well and kept me laughing.

You have an estranged family and a serene spare guest house that you know will ring in a bunch of bank while bringing the family closer together in the process, sounds like a no brainer right?  But there’s a dilemma for the Katakuri family…Your guests keep dying and that’s definitely not good for business.  The family does pull together obfuscating these deaths; hiding bodies, lying to the cops, and changing the sheets; you know, the usual quality family time.

The featured scene covers a dilemma of another type; one between a sumo wrestler and a young, tiny Asian woman.  The scene starts out with these two innocently enough, having sweaty sumo ‘relations shortly after checking in’.  The scene soon takes a darker turn when the sumo wrestler suffers from what appears to be a sudden heart attack and dies.  His body is discovered the next morning by Katakuri family (see photo).  They argue on how to handle the situation.  Should they call the call the cops?  Seeing how they buried the corpse of a previous guest that died in the room before, they decide to dispose of the wrestler as well, fearing that an investigation may uncover the previous guest.  They wonder what happened to the girl he was with and figure she ran off, but soon discover that she expired quickly after he did; unable to escape, she was suffocated by his many folds of flesh (see photo).  Removing him from the room proved to get a monumental task, as he couldn’t fit through the hallway.  The scene concludes with the family lowering him down through a window tied to a rope (see photo).

Scenes were captured from the DVD, Chimera Entertainment

The Filthiest Actress Alive

Posted in John Waters, Pink Flamingos with tags , , , , on September 9, 2010 by mmheidelberger

Film: Pink Flamingo’s

Director: John Waters

Release Year: 1972

What can I say?  My first feature was hastily yanked from the ‘too damn easy’ shelf, but I couldn’t resist starting off with the tasteless genius of John Waters.  In 1972, John Waters needed to make a name for himself; he did this by making a film about “The filthiest people on Earth”.  The result was Pink Flamingos, starring Divine.

The scene featured today is actually the infamous ending scene of the film itself, where Divine proves she’s the filthiest actress on Earth by demonstrating her shit-eating grin…literally!  She and her degenerate, white trash family are departing from Baltimore to Boise when they spot a man walking a dog.  Divine quickly appears behind the dog after it defecates on the sidewalk to consume the excrement, spits it out, smiles, THE END…

Scenes were captured by the DVD, New Line Home Entertainment